Why Am I So Angry?
By Kimberly Liang, Couples and Family Therapist
You are annoyed because you’re doing the dishes while they play games in the living room. You’re frustrated that you’re the one who plans Mother’s Day every year and they just get to arrive. You’re angry that you’re reading this blog in hopes to better your relationship, but they aren’t even thinking about it. You’re sick and tired of being the person who does everything!
If this is you, you might have a case of Resentment on your hands…
Resentment - What’s that?
In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown categorizes Resentment into the Envy Family.
You’re not annoyed at them for playing games. You’re annoyed that you’re exhausted and you want to have fun, but decided you didn’t need a break.
You’re not angry at them for accepting your imperfect relationship. You’re angry that you can’t accept your imperfect relationship.
Their lack of work isn’t what makes you resentful, your lack of rest makes you resentful.
I love her definition
Resentment is a feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness, or injustice. It is an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they are based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react. (Brown, 2021)
It is an incredibly sneaky little emotion. Often you don’t see it coming - it’ll disguise itself as something more familiar - an annoyance, or frustration, or judgement - at the beginning and we’ll stuff it away inside our minds.
Have you ever noticed these?
Thoughts that start and end with “It’s not fair,” or “it’s so unfair.”
Using always and never when you speak with them
Keeping Score in the relationship
Spending a significant amount of time thinking and rethinking about a negative scenario about them
Feeling undervalued or unappreciated
Feeling misunderstood or betrayed
Constant thoughts of criticism towards them
Change in belief about their character
Then it happens again and we begin to tell ourselves this is just who they are and we have to accept them. Then over time, who they are begins to distort from “they’re stressed” and “they had a long day” to “they’re a lazy a$$hole” and “Do they even care about me?” Now we’re detectives - we begin to log all our evidence that confirms these new beliefs of who this person really is! You start to notice you’re angrier at just the thought of them, less patient when speaking to them, you may even avoid them altogether. If Resentment goes unaddressed, it can become the most destructive force in a relationship - Contempt; which is why it’s essential to begin to recognize the different masks Resentment will wear.
I hope that this blog showed you some of the ways that Resentment can look and if you have more questions about Resentment, leave a comment below!
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