Your Break-Up Tool Kit
By Kimberly Liang, Couples and Family Therapist
Breakups are painful. It can feel like the world is crashing around you and there is nothing you can do. Your heart starts to race, you sweat, cry, scream, your stomach feels like it’s stuck in your throat and you can’t breathe. You’re in survival mode and your body is on autopilot, you can’t think, you can only react. While this is an important bodily response when we’re in confronted by a crocodile because it readies our bodies for fight or flight, it narrows are view to the immediate danger - in this case, our ex partner and can cause us to act in unhelpful and potential damaging ways.
Here is my step by step guide to moving through the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) based on which stage you might fall in.
Stage 1: Denial
Denial can show up in many forms. You may feel like everything is exactly the same, in fact, maybe there is a sense of relief because it’s been a long time coming! Or you may feel like the world has disappeared around you and you’re not quite sure how you feel at all. You’re in shock. You don’t have all the answers and you don’t need to. The only step you need to worry about is how to remove all contact from this person. Just trust me.
My Advice: Follow these next steps in order
Use the template below
I’ve decided to remove all temptation to contact you, so I will be blocking you from all social media and communication. This doesn’t mean that I hate you or am mad at you, I just need to take care of myself right now. I will not text or call you for [insert reasonable amount of time] and maybe we can explore what our relationship/friendship can look like in the future.
This time will differ for each relationship and may be dependent on how long you were together. My suggestion would be a minimum of one or two months.
Great! Now that you’ve sent your text. Block them.
You’ll need someone’s help for the next steps
Change your ex’s contact name on your phone and keep it a secret from you
Delete all phone call history
Archive your text messages
Now block them on all socials
Stage 2: Anger
Maybe this is when you begin to use colorful language. I hate you! After all I did for you? You’re [They’re] never going to meet anyone like me. I’m hotter than them anyways. You may even start to throw out accusations and criticisms that may feel good and true to you at the moment, but are not helpful or accurate as a presentation of you. You don’t want one of your last interactions with them to be insults.
My Advice: Keep these thoughts to yourself or better yet - write them down!
This is where journaling, going out, calling friends, doing the chores, exercise can come in handy. You’ll have tons of extra energy and TIME now and you’ll want to find new ways to expend it! Often times, this can be considered the “hoe phase.” Hey - they say that the best revenge is being your best self.
Stage 3: Bargaining
This is the stage where you start to negotiate with yourself or with your ex to figure out how they can still be a part of your life. Maybe you’ve already thrown out some ideas like, being friends, or non exclusive sexual partners, or perhaps giving the relationship another chance. Being friends and hooking up is totally fine, but if this is right after a break-up and you’re holding on to a secret hope that your relationship will go back to how it used to be, it’s too soon. Of course there will always be a part of you that feels connected to this person - you gave your heart and time to them AND you can explore what this new relationship can look like after you’ve had more time to grieve and understand what you need from a relationship.
My advice: Friends? Yes - Just NOT right now.
When we’re in the grieving process, we don’t think clearly and sometimes we will fall back into old patterns that aren’t helping us. Give yourself some time before making any big decisions.
Stage 4: Depression
A lot of people get stuck in this stage. This is where self deprecating thoughts and regrets may come in. I’ll never find anyone else, I’m going to be alone forever. What's wrong with me? You won’t want to do anything and will most likely spend your time at home, on the couch, or in bed. You may watch tons of tv, or play games, or even lie awake in bed. This is also the stage where it’s the most essential to engage in self-care. It may just feel like you’re going through the motions - and you are right now. That’s okay, keep doing it. Do what you can, at least you’re doing something.
My advice: SELF CARE
If you aren’t ready to get off the couch or your bed just yet, add this to your must watch list: Dollface
Take a bath
Read a book
Reconnect with friends and family, it may be a while since the last time you hung out with your friends and family - now is the time to reinvest in them!
Go the gym
Go on a hike
Whatever is it that makes you feel good or has previously made you feel good
Go to therapy (This may be a good time to explore going to therapy, especially if you feel like you’ve been stuck in this place for a long time)
Stage 5: Acceptance
Congratulations! You’ve made it to stage 5: Acceptance. You have an understanding that this relationship is over. It sucks and it's painful, but there is nothing that you can do to change it and you’ve come out stronger on the other side. You can only control your actions. You may even start to realize that the end of the relationship is good for you.
My advice: Be a New You
This is the time to explore what's important to you, how you can grow, and who you want to be. It’s a time for self exploration and introspection.
The grief process looks different for everyone and it's often not linear. You may find yourself moving from stage 1 to 4, then to 2 and 5, and back to 1 again. Feel free to use this blog to track your own process and most importantly be kind to yourself. It’s okay to fall back into different stages and sometimes it takes the back and forth for us to truly move forward.
